(4 min read on Medium @FLO Mystic) Oh how easy it is tho. Not that there isn’t any merit to pause and rest. But what are you truly giving up on and letting go when you do? There is a fine line between perceiving you are giving up on that which you identify as an experience outside of you and that which is essentially, you.
I signed up for 5K over a month prior to the date of the race. I have been wanting to do a 5K run on my own. I’ve done this particular annual race last year with my sister. I’ve also participated in a few 5K’s with others in the past.
Lately I’m realizing that when it comes to a focus effort and work, I experience myself best alone. If only that translate to other areas of my life where I desire a companion to share the fullness of life with another human being intimately.
There I was the night prior to the run.
Back to the 5K since I tend to go in tangent with my reflective writing. I have just gotten off work and en-route to pickup my race packet for the next day. I want to be on time ready for the run, not rushing in the morning. I get home and I do not feel excited as I had imagined I would be leading up to the race.
There are a few variables affecting my mood and emotions about the race. At the time, low energy, feeling lazy, tired after work, it’s gotten colder to be outside, its drizzling a bit, the ground is wet, yuck. All of these are potentially affecting me actually showing up the day of the 5K race.
I’m realizing, it is too soon to decide to show up or not. I will continue to observe how I feel and decide in the moment. Waking up on race day, I decided to engage in a few other things prior to the time. I wake up early and therefore, I do have a good window of time to complete other things.
Literally an hour to the race and I do not feel confident I will still be running. The rain was in and out. The ground is still wet. There is an advisory watch for the wind is gusting strong. I sat in my car 50 minutes till start time of the race. Wow, I did not think I’d feel this undecided. Finally came to an agreement with myself that I will drive to the race and if for any reason I feel I do not want to run the 5K, I can always go home then.
It wasn’t a miracle to finally decide to go.
Arriving at the parking lot I thought I’d feel everyones energy that can be motivating. I did not. I simply decided I would. Not working up guilt within me, but genuinely witnessed I was with me every step of the way, with every slight move of my emotions, I was present.
There I was in line for the 5K race with others. Observing everyones reaction and witnessing myself present with me. I am actually doing this. Yay!
I plugged in my bluetooth earbuds, pressed play on my 39 mins playlist, and there I comfortably began to jog, light run, and I found myself in flow state. That sweet spot where effort meets ease of movement.
I heard 3 tracks repeats it self towards the end. 48 minutes later and I had finished the 5K.
WOW! Surreal feeling. I did not struggle, nor was it easy. I ran lightly for a good 20 mins, paused in between and walked. Feeling my legs, checking up on time, my stride, and my breathing. How I am feeling? Can I keep going? Will I stop? Where will I actually go if I stop? Am I giving up? Why and what am I actually giving up on? Who am I giving up on?
I am so happy that I did not convince myself to keep going. I simply was the friend, the supporter, the comforter, the confidant that I needed with and in every breath. I feel genuinely loved and cared for by myself. I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt, felt.
Don’t give up on yourself. Don’t give up on what you said you will do, what you wanted to do. Not because you cannot change your mind in the moment. But because you know that you truly want to do that. Not because you have to do it, but because you said you would. Because ultimately, you wanted to do it for you.
Confidence doesn’t have to be an effort. Experiencing yourself with confidence is best when you feel emotionally secure within yourself, with yourself. Emotional security with yourself is like building emotional trust with others. When you know you value and prioritize you, you organically create this emotional security with yourself.
Don’t Give Up on Yourself. Because you are worth it to show up for you.
FLORENCE LEONARDO 