(3min audio read on Medium @FLO Mystic) Yikes, feels like a daunting task. I have envisioned this day and thought when it was still in the future, “that would be pleasant.” HA, I don’t usually use that adjective to describe an experience nor a feeling. I’m realizing that it would indeed be a “pleasant” experience to just feel pleasant for a change. Not extremely high in the dopamine surge, nor at the edge of depletion. Simply, pleasant.
My Dad was an alcoholic and workaholic. My Grandfather (his Dad) was the same. I’m learning that my risk for addiction certainly is higher than most. I may not be addicted to similar drug choices. Certainly, I’m not attracted to alcohol. Work, hmm.. indifferent at the moment. I’m observing myself after learning about my risk for addiction. Fair observation so far of what I’ve listed as my drug of choice a.k.a. outlet for increase in dopamine release in my brain, I can say that I’m mildly addicted. In that I was able to recognize my compulsive overconsumption and choose to fast. Not just from eating, but from using and behaving in such a way.
Not really. It was super difficult. Immediately I saw my addiction not even at the 24 hour mark. I felt sad, no judgment, but compassion. How did I got here? Gosh, I must’ve been feeling a lot of pain to pursue any increase of pleasure in my life. Whatever it takes for an increase release of dopamine in my brain. Whatever it cost to experience some relief in the present.
I attempted to completely fast cold turkey on all my drug of choice. Some I was able to not engage and use for over 14 days now. Some I witness myself still using. I would literally witness my hand reaching for the phone like a reflex. The use has become a behavior, a habit that is a part of me. It has become me. It was painful not to use. Withdrawal is real. Using isn’t even about getting high anymore. It’s going to take more and more to experience the high I once felt with the first use. Continued overconsumption allows for some sort of normality. Insane realization. With that observation I decided to fast for the rest of the year. To experience pleasure again in the simple things like brushing my teeth, washing my dishes, waking up in the morning, preparing a pleasant meal, and contentment in my aloneness.
I decided I’d write everyday starting today through the rest of the year. Not necessarily about this journey, but to write about anything that is present in that moment as I sit in front of my computer to write. Yes I’m still using my computer for this task, but I’m limiting my use of it to write. Ugh, am I setting myself up for failure? I hear myself, I am bargaining in some way to use. Wow! Well, we will see, I will see what I decide tomorrow if I’ll continue to write on day 2 and beyond. For that, use my computer for a limited time.
For now, this is the beginning of the month, the last month of the year. The beginning of an evolved version of me, from the last reflection of who I was and have become.
The wisdom of the flower of life…
…life is a cycle that continues and is interconnected. When one ends, it is also the beginning. Truly nothing is wasted. Everything all work together in harmony creating a beautiful masterpiece called, life. So live.
To follow me journey and even write with me, follow my writing on Medium @FLO Mystic