8 OF 30 DAYS (3 min audio read on Medium @FLO Mystic)
I dread most mornings than some, getting up, getting ready, being at my best self, fully functioning adult, presenting myself as a professional.
I will not accredit so much to covid, but since covid, along with the experiences during its time, I noticed I have developed some sort of avertion with the professional engagement. It felt inauthentic. As if I have to say I’m good, even when I do not feel so. Being asked, “How am I” in passing. Are you serious? If you have a moment to stop I can feel into how I’m truly feeling now. Not good. Not even the slightest bit. Although I am aware that is just the nature of the professional environment. It is to protect and care for those around us in such a manner that is honoring and respectful to not offend intentionally or not. The focus is professionalism. The focus is not I.
I’ve felt withdrawn. I wanted to hide. I felt offended. I felt triggered by the question, “How am I” when the the focus is to ensure you feel good with my response.
But I yearn community and connection. I’ve made connections within my professional engagements. It is indeed a community. For the essence of community is in the gathering of people and the collective intention. Pre-covid, I did felt a sense of community with them. Not a deep sense of belonging, but a part of something.
Then one moment I noticed someone I do not recall seeing before. I felt slightly drawn. Intrigued. Curious. This person sat in a location difficult for me to miss. Whether my interest is aroused or not, I will look. So I simply observed from a distance. Not zoomed in like a hawk, but watching and aware. Making light eye contact, “I see you.”
Months have passed by,
…the calendars continue to flip, and the clocks tick.
I was sure, (a bit hopeful) nothing was going to evolve from this sight. I do not feel motivated to pursue anything more than directing my eyes in their direction when I happen to walk by.
To my amazement, change indeed is inevitable. As rotation in the ether affect our experiences on the earth, so did a rotation in our environment allowed us to not only see each other more intently, but experience presence.
As if timeline and the stars are aligning. All of a sudden months of history felt like yesterday in reflection. As I’m beginning to feel open again professionally, so does our connection seems to open up for the both of us to see each, not just look at.
It does help.
To have discovered treasure in a place where I wasn’t experiencing much of. To take ownership of my life, my healing, my recovery, my happiness. I was running away from pain. I felt I’ve struggled enough in life. I could not embrace the moment. It was unbearable. The emotions was high. I just want to feel comfortable and comforted in my suffering.
As I’m learning from the book Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke, “press on the pain side of the balance to experience pleasure, instead of pursuing pleasure and experience the pain of withdrawal” (paraphrase). I was afraid to, but I eventually decide I cannot keep running away and avoiding. When I’ve decided to go to the professional engagements I was feeling superficially expressed, I have discovered a connection with whom I feel pleasurably connected to.
For now, this is pleasant.