29 OF 30 DAYS (3 min audio read on Medium @FLO Mystic)
Somehow I have always bounced back up higher and stronger than where I’ve landed last. Same is true that I dread saying, “I do not fear a thing” for that would be a fabricated internal reality. As confident as I’ve experienced myself the most at 40 years aged Woman,
I still feel insecure.
Right now feels like it was yesterday when I was 29 years of age.
It is challenging for me to recall memories when I was younger. Twenty-nine was a milestone to describe it significantly. A sign of a white flag in remembrance that I’ve hit rock bottom at least once while breathing.
Walking a path that you perceive you can go on for the rest of your life, it can be debilitating when it vanishes right before your eyes.
I was twenty-nine when I recall my first lowest point of living. Romantic-Intimate relationship is a drug for me in that I will do whatever it takes to have it, keep it and give to it. Compromising my truth to live someone else’s. I did not exist. Not even in someones reality.
Seven year investment down the drain. That is the pessimistic reflection of that allocated time. I thought I was building a life with my forever person, “my Soulmate.” Does that even exist? Or is it a trend? A cool word for the decade I was living in?
Reflection does come easy these days.
It is the exhalation-homeostasis of breath. It is a must. Its a need. It is evolution itself. You are not the same person when you are reflecting of what was and is becoming.
Reflecting pessimistically or perceiving oneself in light is the same. Simply variation of The One being observed by The Witness. When you take the role of witnessing you are reflecting, watching, observing, allowing without judgment. Only taking into consideration what you are recording.
There is not one way, nor the right way, just the way you choose.
Investment is the ability to share your capacity to that which you believe in. It is a risk as well as a privilege to source something without knowing the outcome of your speculation. It is a venture, adventure, sacrifice, faith, surrender to the unknown in hopes for a satisfying return. That it maybe a desired outcome to experience.
With much struggles, disappointments and pain in most of my endeavors, I can confidently say today as a 40 years aged Woman that I will do everything exactly the way I have done it. Precisely the way I have chosen in each situation without an inch or an ounce, a drop even a breath variance from the past.
What would I say to my twenty-nine even younger self today? I would say,
Follow your heart beautiful Soul. Choose boldly. Choose fearfully. Choose knowingly. Choose doubtfully. Every situation and every moment, choose what feels right. Choose what feels authentic. Believe in what feels true for you.
You have done an amazing job to get me here today, at 40 years aged Woman.
I am proud of who you have become and becoming. I may not be fully satisfied in the current human experiences. Feeling lonely at the moment of this reflection. But definitely fulfilled in the witness of you, your evolution and beauty.
You are aging well. It is a sobering notion to realize life’s fulfillment being single today.
FLORENCE LEONARDO 