18 OF 30 DAYS (2 min audio read on Medium @FLO Mystic)
I feel the most awakened Soul I have ever experienced myself to be. As a 40 years and aging Woman living today, I feel there isn’t anything that I cannot achieve, succeed in, overcome, evolve to, develop, mature and grow.
And still, at times in the midst of the opportunity and privilege to show what I’ve got, it is in that moment I feel so lost and uncertain. Insecure. Vulnerable. Helpless. Weakened.
I’m in new season.
Certainly winter officially starts in a couple of days. Snow has already come and fallen and continue to purify the ground. That’s one way I look at it when I see that ground covered with this white dust. Feels like parts of the earth is receiving its annual cleansing.
I thought I’ve experienced enough. I am grateful I did not go deep in the experience even in the intensity of my desire. It wasn’t uncontrollable, but certainly it was real. Obsessed with the feeling of falling in love, I was close. It is not hard for me to. My heart is always open to the right one who will show up. Actually even at the face of realizing a potential will not, cannot, and will never show up for me in a way that I need to feel safe and secure in a romantic relationship. I find my heart still open.
I’m not naive. What I’ve felt, the distance, the lack of affection, the absence of presence, the unreciprocated desire, I know these full well. I’m not just familiar. These aren’t what I prefer. I will not have another one of these.
Certain as I seemed, I still feel drawn. Its much effort for me to walk away. To turn my back. To not expect you to reach out. To not want to ever see you again. Much easier to give in and give myself to you.
Intimate Relationship, I prefer romantic one as my drug of choice. One of the many drugs I prefer. I am not taking medication. Nothing over the counter. I do not spend money on drugs. Yet I find myself addicted to many forms that releases the high, the sense of pleasure and reward.
Longterm gain, stability, and happiness I am certain we aren’t compatible. This distance and withdrawal, this separation is the best for us before we get in deeper than the superficial attraction right now.
But even when I am certain of that, right now, it is you that I want.